ANGELS OF SUICIDE

 

It was like a scene from an old southern movie.  The sheriff driving his car down our long driveway with beautiful old trees on each side was an uncommon occurrence.  In fact until that day I can not recall the sheriff ever visiting our home.  It was Saturday.  Dad was home and he met Charlie, the sheriff outside on the front lawn.  As Charlie stepped out of his car he said, "Jim we missed you at the fish fry".  Dad said, "Charlie is that a crime?  Have you come to to arrest me"?  They both laughed and Charlie said,  "No, Jim I am sorry to have to tell you this but something terrible has occurred down on Wilson's Point.  They found Dennis, Mike's boy, sitting up with his back against that old hickory tree next to Terry Daniels pond.  He shot himself with his daddy's gun.  It was terrible Jim.  Mary Jane and Mike are in terrible pain.  The odd thing about this Jim is Dennis left this note for your son Harry.  It is in an envelope and we didn't open it.  I know this will be hard but will you tell Harry and give this envelop to him.  I know he will share the contents with us when he is ready.  I will check back in a few days and see if Harry is okay with talking with us about this note".  Jim replied, "Thanks Charlie.  You're a good man.  I will talk with Harry and we will get this worked out".  My Dad, Jim, walked into the house and did not speak, not even to mom.  He picked up the phone to make a phone call.  The phone rang a while, then a voice said, "hello".  I heard dad say, "Mary Jane, this is Jim.  Our hearts are breaking for you and I want you to know our family will stick with you through this.  Alice (my mom) and I would like to come and be with you and Mike.  May we come by and sit with you for awhile?"  Mary Jane said, "we would love that Jim".  As dad was removing the phone from his ear, I could hear Mary say, "Jim! Jim!".  "Yes, Mary Jane, I am here", dad said.  "Jim, he seemed perfectly fine today.  Now he is gone.  He's gone"... 
 

For the remainder of this article I will refer to people who battle the drive to commit suicide as "Suicides".  No one knows what happens inside the heart and the thought processes that lead a person to end their life.  Self directed death is the most difficult act anyone can perform because the body and mind are programed to fight for every second of life.  This makes it almost impossible for a Suicide to end their life. 
 
Those who do must overcome many obstacles or receive assistance from the "pushers of death".  That's right.   More often than not, Suicides are pushed into death.  Life is the greatest drive of Suicides.  They want to live.  But, they have within themselves an impulse that drives them to end their life much like an alcoholic has the impulse to drink.  The Suicide is not addicted to death but has a reoccurring impulse inside them pushing them to end their life.  Like a bully this impluse taunts them and is constantly hanging around the Suicide ridiculing them, and demeaning them.   Over and over, again and again the impulse flashes episodes of different ways the Suicide can end their life.  The Suicide has no peace.  When the Suicide awakes in the morning the "impluse flashes a death scene for the Suicide to consider.  "Maybe you could end your life before breakfast by falling out your bedroom window of your three story home says the impluse.  It could break you neck, the impulse says.  People would think it was an accident".  The Suicide ignores these taunts and jumps into the shower allowing the warm water to wash away a few moments of anxiety.  After her shower the Suicide opens the shower curtain and lifts her leg to leave the bathtub.  The "death implulse" flashes a scene of the Suicide tripping, slipping and breaking her neck on the sink.  The day has just begun and already the Suicide is in a fight for her life.  Fortunately, the Suicide has learned how to ignore these impulses and momonetarily pushes these thoughts out of her mind.  But, the Suicide knows that the death scenes will flash again inside her mind when she least expects it.  This makes the Suicide anxious and she wants to flee.  But, there is no place to run. 
 
Exhaustion is not a friend to the Suicide.  Moments of exhaustion from attempting to cope with the impulse of death is a leading cause of suicide for some Suicides.  The exhaustion leads them to lower their guard long enough for their tortured self to make the nightmare movies inside their head come true. 
 
Suicides always seem to be distracted When talking with you they can look right through you and never see you.  This is because while you are talking to them they are watching another movie of their death, inside thier head, brought to them commercial free from the impulse of death.
 
The Suicide is tortured by messages coming from some place else or what I have called the impulse of death.  But, I am going to change that name to the Angels of Suicide.  I do not know why but Suicides, not all, see angels and some believe they speak with angels and the angels speak with them.  Suicides will tell you that the Angels sometimes encourage them to "go ahead and end their life", as if it would be an act of mercy. But, unless the Suicide is using drugs and alcohol, they can fight and resist the temptation to move to the other side of life.  Unfortunately, Suicides who use drugs lose the will to fight the voices from the angels that make their death sound like an opportunity for peace. 
 
Suicides, who  do not use drugs and alcohol, can battle the Angels of Suicide for years without ending their life.  Bobby C, who came to me for help told me a horrible story.  He said,  "Everyday from the age of 11 until the age of 53 I got out of bed wanting to kill myself and then I spent the rest of my day trying to stop me from killing myself.   But, in the fall of 2000, I stopped wanting to kill myself".  "What changed" I asked Bobby C.  "The people who raped, tortured and beat me most of my childhood died and all my suicidal thoughts went away when they died.  The thoughts of killing myself have never entered my mind since those people died".  I did not explore this further with Bobby C. and put him in the success category for Suicides. 
 
Last year Bobby C and his 4 year old granddaughter were carjacked.  He and his granddaughter were beaten, stabbed and raped.  Bobby C. survived but his granddaughter died at the scene.  Two weeks after this tragedy Bobby C went over the rainbow.  He bled out at the city bus station.  No angels were present at his death, at least none anyone could detect. 
 
You and I can not prevent the deaths of our friends and love ones from suicide.  But, we can try.  In part. suicide is the consequences of a person being born with DNA and biological, physiological and psychological systems inside them that are malfunctioning.  There are more reasons and different examples of suicide than I have shared with you.  Suicide is complex.  
 
Do you remember what Mary Jane said?  "He seemed perfectly fine today but now he is gone.  He's gone".  If a Suicide has surrendered to the voices of the angels, a euphoric feeling encompasses them and the the Suicide relaxes from the exhaustion of fighting with the angels.  It is in this moment of relaxation that the horrible movie of their death is played and it seems like total bliss to the Suicide.  Finally, the Suicide finds peace in death.  They don't have to run anymore, be chased anymore or be afraid anymore. 
 
Writer, John Rodgers
 
 
 We discourage suicide and encourage anyone who mght feel driven to consider or committ suicide to seek help immediately if you ever have thoughts or feelings of suicide.  The National Prevention Suicide LIfeline is 1-800-273-8255.  Kentucky Suicide Hotline for Louisville Ky is 502-589-4313 or 1-800-221-0446  Phones answered 24 hours a daY.
 

       

Click the graphic below and listen, review and critque the song
"She Talks To Angels" by the Black Crows, Listen with ear plugs.
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