It was like a scene from an old southern movie. The sheriff
driving his car down our long driveway with beautiful old trees on each side was an uncommon occurrence. In fact until
that day I can not recall the sheriff ever visiting our home. It was Saturday. Dad was home and he met Charlie,
the sheriff outside on the front lawn. As Charlie stepped out of his car he said, "Jim we missed you at the fish
fry". Dad said, "Charlie is that a crime? Have you come to to arrest me"? They both laughed
and Charlie said, "No, Jim I am sorry to have to tell you this but something terrible happened down on Wilson's
Point. They found Dennis, Mike's boy, sitting up with his back against that old hickory tree next to Terry Daniels pond.
He shot himself with his daddy's gun. It was terrible Jim. Mary Jane and Mike are in terrible pain. The
odd thing about this Jim is Dennis left this note for your son Harry. It is in an envelope and we didn't open it.
I know this will be hard but will you tell Harry and give this envelop to him. I know he will share the contents with
us when he is ready. I will check back in a few days and see if Harry is okay with talking with us about this note".
Jim replied, "Thanks Charlie. You're a good man. I will talk with Harry and we will get this worked out".
My Dad, Jim, walked into the house and did not speak, not even to mom. He picked up the phone to make a phone call.
The phone rang a while, then a voice said, "hello". I heard dad say, "Mary Jane, this is Jim. Our
hearts are breaking for you and I want you to know our family will stick with you through this. Alice (my mom) and I
would like to come and be with you and Mike. May we come by and sit with you for awhile?" Mary Jane said,
"we would love that Jim". As dad was removing the phone from his ear, I could hear Mary say, "Jim! Jim!".
"Yes, Mary Jane, I am here", dad said. "Jim, he seemed perfectly fine today. Now he is gone.
For the remainder of this article I will refer
to people who battle the drive to commit suicide as "Suicides". No one knows what happens inside
the heart and the thought processes that lead a person to end their life. Self
directed death is the most difficult act anyone can perform because
the body and mind are programed to fight for every second of life.
This makes it almost impossible for a Suicide to end their life.
Those who do must overcome many obstacles or
receive assistance from the "pushers of death". That's right. More often than not, Suicides
are pushed into death. Life is the greatest drive of Suicides. They
want to live. But, they have within themselves an impulse that drives them to end their life much
like an alcoholic has the impulse to drink. The Suicide is not addicted to death but has a reoccurring impulse inside them pushing
them to end their life. Like a bully this impluse taunts them and is constantly hanging around
the Suicide ridiculing them, and demeaning them. Over and over, again and again the impulse flashes
episodes of different ways the Suicide can end their life.
The Suicide has no peace. When the Suicide awakes in
the morning the "impluse flashes a death scene for the Suicide
to consider. "Maybe you could end your life before breakfast by falling out
your bedroom window of your three story home says the impluse. It could break you neck,
the impulse says. People would think it was an accident". The Suicide ignores these
taunts and jumps into the shower allowing the warm water to wash away a few moments of anxiety.
After her shower the Suicide opens the shower curtain and lifts her leg to leave
the bathtub. The "death implulse" flashes a scene of the Suicide tripping, slipping and
breaking her neck on the sink.
The day has just begun and already the Suicide is in a fight for her life. Fortunately,
the Suicide has learned how to ignore these impulses and momonetarily
pushes these thoughts out of her mind. But, the Suicide knows that the death scenes will flash again inside her mind when she least expects it. This makes the Suicide anxious and she wants to flee. But, there is no place to run.
Exhaustion is not a friend to the Suicide. Moments of exhaustion from
attempting to cope with the impulse of death is a leading cause of suicide for some
Suicides. The exhaustion leads them to lower their guard
long enough for their tortured self to make the nightmare movies inside their
head come true.
Suicides always seem to
be distracted. When talking with you they can look right through you and never
see you. This is because while you are
talking to them they are watching another
movie of their death, inside thier head, brought to them commercial free
from the impulse of death.
The Suicide is tortured by messages coming from some place else or what I have called the impulse of death.
But, I am going to change that name to the Angels of Suicide. I do not know why but Suicides, not all, see angels and
some believe they speak with angels and the angels speak with them. Suicides will tell you that the Angels sometimes
encourage them to "go ahead and end their life", as if it would be an act of mercy. But, unless the Suicide is using
drugs and alcohol, they can fight and resist the temptation to move to the other side of life. Unfortunately, Suicides
who use drugs lose the will to fight the voices from the angels that make their death sound like an opportunity for peace.
Suicides, who do not use drugs and alcohol, can battle the Angels
of Suicide for years without ending their life. Bobby C, who came to me for help told me a horrible story. He
said, "Everyday from the age of 11 until the age of 53 I got out of bed wanting to kill myself and then I spent
the rest of my day trying to stop me from killing myself. But, in the fall of 2000, I stopped wanting to kill
myself". "What changed" I asked Bobby C. "The people who raped, tortured and beat me most
of my childhood died and all my suicidal thoughts went away when they died. The thoughts of killing myself have never
entered my mind since those people died". I did not explore this further with Bobby C. and put him in the success
category for Suicides.
Last year Bobby C and his 4 year old granddaughter
were carjacked. He and his granddaughter were beaten, stabbed and raped. Bobby C. survived but his granddaughter
died at the scene. Two weeks after this tragedy Bobby C went over the rainbow. He bled out at the city bus station.
No angels were present at his death, at least none anyone could detect.
and I can not prevent the deaths of our friends and love ones from suicide. But, we can try. In part. suicide
is the consequences of a person being born with DNA and biological, physiological and psychological systems inside them that
are malfunctioning. There are more reasons and different examples of suicide than I have shared with you. Suicide
Do you remember what Mary Jane said? "He
seemed perfectly fine today but now he is gone. He's gone". If a Suicide has surrendered to the voices of
the angels, a euphoric feeling encompasses them and the the Suicide relaxes from the exhaustion of fighting with the angels.
It is in this moment of relaxation that the horrible movie of their death is played and it seems like total bliss to the Suicide.
Finally, the Suicide finds peace in death. They don't have to run anymore, be chased anymore or be afraid anymore.
Writer, John Rodgers
We discourage suicide and encourage anyone who mght feel driven to consider or committ suicide to seek help immediately
if you ever have thoughts or feelings of suicide. The National Prevention Suicide LIfeline is 1-800-273-8255.
Kentucky Suicide Hotline for Louisville Ky is 502-589-4313 or 1-800-221-0446 Phones answered 24 hours a daY.